Who am i?

Why does one even start a blog? I always thought it was because people were vain, self-centered, needed a publicly posted homage to themselves. But I was wrong.

As I was driving home tonight I was thinking about the random dumb things that plague a person's mind. The random dumb things that occupy your thoughts and can bring you to tears for no apparent reason. The random dumb things that seem stupid and frivolous to others. And I realized that I needed to talk to the one person in the world that truly understands me...only he isn't talking to me right now. Why? I have not idea. So I am left thinking of who to call, and realizing that what I really need is a forum to express myself, whether anyone is listening or not.

So this is it.

Who am I? Well I'm a Gypsy Lion. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere, or to anyone, so I've always wandered. I've recently settled down (sort of) in Phoenix, AZ for some really good and a couple of not so good reasons.

Phoenix is the closest thing I have to a home. My mother lives here, my oldest friend lives here. But I don't have a particularly strong relationship to either of them. The love of my life lives here (most of the time) but he isn't talking to me right now - as we discussed before. The house I own is here (although that's never been something that has kept me grounded, renting out an historical house in this area is all too easy and lucrative.) My school is here, but really one can study Physics almost anywhere. So as you can see I have good reasons to stay, but none that really make me want to tame my wanderlust and really cement my feet to this desert terrain.

So lets start with the mom. I don't know if it was her fault or mine or a combination of both but we never really had that mother-daughter relationship you see in stupid girly movies and what have you. I don't remember a lot of "I love your" or nights eating ice cream and watching lame-o chick flicks. I remember she taught me important basics. Like the fact that I would never need a man. Like how to work on my own car. Like "above all else be true to yourself". But she never really taught me what a normal relationship between a man and a woman was supposed to be like or really how to have one. Because of this I have had an endless string of frivolous relationships with gorgeous men who just weren't good enough for me. I kept them at arms length, never really gave up my heart and soul to them and shut them out completely when things between us went bad. Who wants to be friends with their ex, right? Okay, so I guess most people are.

What about that best friend? Well I suppose he and I just drifted apart at some point. I mean, I still love him and I'd fly across the world for him if he said he needed me, but I still feel like something isn't quite perfect between us, and I really don't know what to do about that. Presently I'm not searching for a solution either. Don't ask me why, because I don't know.

That house I own? Well I've always wanted something historical, and I've always wanted to live downtown. This house fits the simple criteria and it was dirt cheap. Enough said.

School? Physics? What? Well, I just really like math and I have a lot of college credits adding up to nothing, so I decided to do something with them. A Bachelor of Science in Theoretical Physics was what I chose. I like math, I like existence, I like finding answers to impossible questions. So Physics was a natural choice.

I guess that brings us to the love of my life? Damn, I dread this part. I first saw him 7 months ago. He was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, across the table from one of his best friends. His arms were crossed and he was resting his chin on them, but when I walked by he perked up. I admit I hadn't noticed him when i walked in, but I perked up at the site of him as well. It was love at first site, or something bad I ate the day before. Either way I felt like the rest of the room melted away and he and I were stuck, lost in some strange coffee scented void, floating, staring, kind of looking a little dumb. And then his friend talked to me, blind-sided me really. I got all dumb, stammered and then my friend dragged me out of the shop. "Come on" he said "don't talk to dirty hippies." I wanted to go back in but walked away. I couldn't get this guy out of my head, I started having dreams about him, I started searching for him all over the downtown area. It was difficult though because the only thing I could remember about him were his eyes. I couldn't see any other features in my mind. I didn't remember what he looked like!!! I mean how do you find "the guy with eyes" in a city of millions?

Two weeks later I'm at this warehouse party. I glance across the room and there he is. And he sees me too. Again, there we are: floating, staring, looking a little dumb. Well this time i was determined to get his name so I walked up to him and attempted to introduce myself. I didn't get to say much before he said "It's you!" "Thank god" I though, "he remembers me too." He was talking to someone else and I felt perhaps like I had been interrupting and I was still kind of feeling awkward about the whole staring and not doing anything situation so I gave him my name, got his and promptly ran away.

But dammit, I hadn't spent 2 weeks searching for my mystery man to lose him so easy, so I went back for more. He couldn't stop talking about my eyes, said they reminded him of home. To which i snakily replied "Well unless they remind you of Poland, you're just dropping a good line." Wouldn't you know it, the guy is Polish, born and bred. So we start talking about our similar heritage. He tells me my eyes remind him of the Eastern European gypsy girls and I get all giggly. Right out of an episode of Gilmore Girls or something. We chat, we bullshit, we stare at each other like retards. Then he starts telling me about his car, I'm somewhat of a gear head so I am all about it. Of course he tells me he's going to take me out for a ride and I tell him he better get my number. Oh no he says, our meeting was written in the stars, he doesn't need my number because he knows we will find each other again. I agree, but then tell him to take my number just in case the universe forgets its plan for us or something. He takes it and then we part ways: his friends want to go home, my friends want to go home, you know some classic Romeo and Juliet BS, minus the people getting shanked in the streets.

And then nothing, he doesn't call, he doesn't text. But there's this whole cosmic date night worked out for us so I don't fret. And the one night late at work he texts me. "gypsylioneyes" he addresses me as. It was like hearing my true name for the first time. We texted for the rest of the night, sorry mr. employer, and made plans to meet up.

To make a long story short we spent the next 4 days and nights together. It was the first time I ever really felt magic, the first time I ever really felt love for another human being. I knew then and there that he was the one. I still know he is the one. I love him unconditionally, even after everything that has gone on, even now that we aren't speaking. I know we will be together, when the time is right. When the universe puts us on that cosmic date we were too impatient to wait for. Why aren't we talking now? Well, I think I will leave that for another post as I don't want to ruin the beautiful memory I have laid before you and I. I think I'd rather go to bed remembering the magic My Warrior Lion showed me that night, the magic that melted my heart and brought me in touch with my very humanity like nothing has ever done before. The magic that people wait an entire lifetime to find and most never achieve.