I've Been Flamed

So recently I've been stalking the interwebs in hopes of finding a ticket for Burning Man. So far I haven't had much luck but I am hopeful.


Anyway, a lot of my ticket stalking has taken place on the Burning Man message boards aka ePlaya. Through my ePlaya stalking there are 2 recurring themes: 1) People without a ticket who are desperately searching for a ticket, 2) People who look down on those desperately searching for a ticket.


One person in particular has taken it upon himself to post increasingly negative, rude, and belittling messages to those of us without tickets. He has made it clear that he thinks we are idiots, that we are slackers, the the jacked up prices scalpers are demanding are "a fair tax" passed down to those of us too stupid to have bought early.


So the other day I decided to write a post to this guy. Just a quick blurb asking him to stop the negativity. See below:

"Hm, I don't get the negative attitude towards people who missed out on buying tickets. I didn't buy in time because I had to save money to purchase. Now I finally have enough and they are sold out. So what? I should be looked down upon because I'm not made of cash and had to work and save in order to attend. No, I think scalpers who are selling their tickets for way too much are the ones that should be looked down upon. I have had people offer me a ticket for between $560 and $1000 so far and have turned each of them down because it's not right. And the thing of it is I could afford the $560 ticket, but how is that fair to the rest of the people out there who can't? Who maybe had to work and save in hopes of getting a ticket just to find out that scalpers have plenty but aren't giving them up unless you're some trust fund kid? I keep reading some really mean-spirited postings from you, BBadger, directed towards those of us who don't already have tickets. I think it's inappropriate and you should back off. We all just want to show up in Black Rock City and enjoy the festival we always have. Good for you, you have and ticket and I hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself, but stop rubbing it in that some of us may not get to go. I for one am supremely confident that I will find that face-value ticket at the last minute but the truth is many wont and they don't need to be berated for it."


Well not only did this guy get back to me with some rude and uncalled for words other burners actually jumped on his band wagon and had some pretty shitty stuff to say to me. One even went so far as to tell me I didn't belong there and that I should take the money I would have spent on a ticket to get an education and a job that could pay for a trip to BM. 


Wow, I mean, WOW! Whats up with these people? This isn't the Burning Man I remember. This behavior, these words, this willingness to gang up and attack another human being who was just asking for some understanding instead of insults is baffling to me. What has this festival in the desert become? This isn't something i could even have thought was possible before now. These people that call themselves Burners but seem to be filled with some sort of superiority and have nothing but deconstructive, negativity to pass out aren't legit.


Now I can take being personally attacked. Being called uneducated, broke, whatever. I get it all the time as there is this persistent feeling in society that people with piercings and dyed hair are somehow uneducated and dangerous. But to get it from these people is quite surprising. And I had a really good rebuttal written out. I made sure to point out my gainful employment with Microsoft, the degree in Physics I am currently working on, the fact that my money was needed else where and that the people in my life were more important than a ticket to Burning Man this year. But then I though better of it and deleted it. Instead I posted this:


"Hope I get to meet all of you on the playa and have a drink and some laughs. We don't need to fight or flame each other when we could instead be friends and create positive relationships instead of negative posts. "


Do you think they'll really have a beer with me? Guess we will find out!

An Unexpected Turn of Events

So remember that mystery man I told you about? Yeah, I know you do. Well he's talking to me again, says he was out of range of any type of cell or communication service, not that he was ignoring me. Think what you like, I believe him. See love is blind, just like justice. He could tell me the sky was green and I would believe him.

Anyway, I sent him some loving emails and texts and got no response. I went to dinner with his ex and heard some things I didn't really want to hear and sent some not so loving texts. Not outright mean or vicious, more of a hurt and "her is how I feel about it" version of the lovey dove ones. Needless to say he reacted. He reacted with a big WTF? To which I replied "I'm a slave to my emotions." Where I normally hide my feelings and intentions with everyone else I strip them bare for him. I don't lie to him. I can't. I told him this. He respects this he says, but we need to talk. Since he is in another state right now that talk will be over the phone. Not ideal but better than not hearing his voice for another week or two. We are going to talk about guidelines and boundaries.

Shit. Last time we talked about guidelines and boundaries was when we stopped being the dumb staring star crossed lovers I described before and started fighting over dumb pointless things. I told him he needed to be single. He told me he agreed. He said he wouldn't disrespect me by cheating on me so we came to an understanding that we weren't together,

Sounds like a lot of BS, right? Well I suppose, except that I understand where he's at. Because I was there once. Freedom is what he needs. Freedom to live, freedom to fuck up, freedom to act like a dumb ass frat boy and not have to worry about me sitting at home waiting for him. Hey, like they say, if you love something you let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours forever. Well we are written in the stars, at least I believe so. So it doesn't matter how far he travels, who he meets, who he dates, what he does. Us is an inevitability.

Well yeah, it's all good in theory. It makes sense. But to think about him with another woman, even one that isn't up to my level hurts. It hurts like I didn't think it would. I mean if he doesn't go meet and mingle with women who aren't as great as me how will he realize what he had. Yeah, fuck that. I hate thinking about what he may or may not be up to right now. So it's hard. It's a necessary step in his evolution and happiness as a human being, but its hard, Because all I want is for him to come home, to lay in bed with me as he once did, to wrap his arms around me and make me feel like the safest and most beautiful woman in all the world. Because that's the power of his warmth and love around me. I could conquer the world with one look at his smile. His warmth and inner glow could fuel me to move mountains and drain entire oceans.

But it's not our time. It's his time, without me. And it's my time, without him. And that means I have to be patient. Yeah, my least cultivated virtue. I can do it. I know I can. I just means they'll be a lot of tears between now and that cosmic date I was promised back at that warehouse 7 months ago. But he's worth it.

Now all that's left to do is wait for that phone call and see where it leaves us.

Who am i?

Why does one even start a blog? I always thought it was because people were vain, self-centered, needed a publicly posted homage to themselves. But I was wrong.

As I was driving home tonight I was thinking about the random dumb things that plague a person's mind. The random dumb things that occupy your thoughts and can bring you to tears for no apparent reason. The random dumb things that seem stupid and frivolous to others. And I realized that I needed to talk to the one person in the world that truly understands me...only he isn't talking to me right now. Why? I have not idea. So I am left thinking of who to call, and realizing that what I really need is a forum to express myself, whether anyone is listening or not.

So this is it.

Who am I? Well I'm a Gypsy Lion. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere, or to anyone, so I've always wandered. I've recently settled down (sort of) in Phoenix, AZ for some really good and a couple of not so good reasons.

Phoenix is the closest thing I have to a home. My mother lives here, my oldest friend lives here. But I don't have a particularly strong relationship to either of them. The love of my life lives here (most of the time) but he isn't talking to me right now - as we discussed before. The house I own is here (although that's never been something that has kept me grounded, renting out an historical house in this area is all too easy and lucrative.) My school is here, but really one can study Physics almost anywhere. So as you can see I have good reasons to stay, but none that really make me want to tame my wanderlust and really cement my feet to this desert terrain.

So lets start with the mom. I don't know if it was her fault or mine or a combination of both but we never really had that mother-daughter relationship you see in stupid girly movies and what have you. I don't remember a lot of "I love your" or nights eating ice cream and watching lame-o chick flicks. I remember she taught me important basics. Like the fact that I would never need a man. Like how to work on my own car. Like "above all else be true to yourself". But she never really taught me what a normal relationship between a man and a woman was supposed to be like or really how to have one. Because of this I have had an endless string of frivolous relationships with gorgeous men who just weren't good enough for me. I kept them at arms length, never really gave up my heart and soul to them and shut them out completely when things between us went bad. Who wants to be friends with their ex, right? Okay, so I guess most people are.

What about that best friend? Well I suppose he and I just drifted apart at some point. I mean, I still love him and I'd fly across the world for him if he said he needed me, but I still feel like something isn't quite perfect between us, and I really don't know what to do about that. Presently I'm not searching for a solution either. Don't ask me why, because I don't know.

That house I own? Well I've always wanted something historical, and I've always wanted to live downtown. This house fits the simple criteria and it was dirt cheap. Enough said.

School? Physics? What? Well, I just really like math and I have a lot of college credits adding up to nothing, so I decided to do something with them. A Bachelor of Science in Theoretical Physics was what I chose. I like math, I like existence, I like finding answers to impossible questions. So Physics was a natural choice.

I guess that brings us to the love of my life? Damn, I dread this part. I first saw him 7 months ago. He was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, across the table from one of his best friends. His arms were crossed and he was resting his chin on them, but when I walked by he perked up. I admit I hadn't noticed him when i walked in, but I perked up at the site of him as well. It was love at first site, or something bad I ate the day before. Either way I felt like the rest of the room melted away and he and I were stuck, lost in some strange coffee scented void, floating, staring, kind of looking a little dumb. And then his friend talked to me, blind-sided me really. I got all dumb, stammered and then my friend dragged me out of the shop. "Come on" he said "don't talk to dirty hippies." I wanted to go back in but walked away. I couldn't get this guy out of my head, I started having dreams about him, I started searching for him all over the downtown area. It was difficult though because the only thing I could remember about him were his eyes. I couldn't see any other features in my mind. I didn't remember what he looked like!!! I mean how do you find "the guy with eyes" in a city of millions?

Two weeks later I'm at this warehouse party. I glance across the room and there he is. And he sees me too. Again, there we are: floating, staring, looking a little dumb. Well this time i was determined to get his name so I walked up to him and attempted to introduce myself. I didn't get to say much before he said "It's you!" "Thank god" I though, "he remembers me too." He was talking to someone else and I felt perhaps like I had been interrupting and I was still kind of feeling awkward about the whole staring and not doing anything situation so I gave him my name, got his and promptly ran away.

But dammit, I hadn't spent 2 weeks searching for my mystery man to lose him so easy, so I went back for more. He couldn't stop talking about my eyes, said they reminded him of home. To which i snakily replied "Well unless they remind you of Poland, you're just dropping a good line." Wouldn't you know it, the guy is Polish, born and bred. So we start talking about our similar heritage. He tells me my eyes remind him of the Eastern European gypsy girls and I get all giggly. Right out of an episode of Gilmore Girls or something. We chat, we bullshit, we stare at each other like retards. Then he starts telling me about his car, I'm somewhat of a gear head so I am all about it. Of course he tells me he's going to take me out for a ride and I tell him he better get my number. Oh no he says, our meeting was written in the stars, he doesn't need my number because he knows we will find each other again. I agree, but then tell him to take my number just in case the universe forgets its plan for us or something. He takes it and then we part ways: his friends want to go home, my friends want to go home, you know some classic Romeo and Juliet BS, minus the people getting shanked in the streets.

And then nothing, he doesn't call, he doesn't text. But there's this whole cosmic date night worked out for us so I don't fret. And the one night late at work he texts me. "gypsylioneyes" he addresses me as. It was like hearing my true name for the first time. We texted for the rest of the night, sorry mr. employer, and made plans to meet up.

To make a long story short we spent the next 4 days and nights together. It was the first time I ever really felt magic, the first time I ever really felt love for another human being. I knew then and there that he was the one. I still know he is the one. I love him unconditionally, even after everything that has gone on, even now that we aren't speaking. I know we will be together, when the time is right. When the universe puts us on that cosmic date we were too impatient to wait for. Why aren't we talking now? Well, I think I will leave that for another post as I don't want to ruin the beautiful memory I have laid before you and I. I think I'd rather go to bed remembering the magic My Warrior Lion showed me that night, the magic that melted my heart and brought me in touch with my very humanity like nothing has ever done before. The magic that people wait an entire lifetime to find and most never achieve.